The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this time. In these clips following on from last time, it was early 2022 and we found that Sue Gray had a previous life. A man shouted at a street and we thought about calling the police on the police. 00:19 Come on, we're running late! 00:21 Russell tweets, if the Met eventually issue a bunch of fixed penalties, where does the money go? Is it the Treasury? 00:27 I guess they will just claim it on expenses from the Treasury so it all cancels out anyway. Yeah, if the Met are actually intent on fining somebody just to, you know, make all this seem like legal, decent, honest and true, then we will end up paying the fine and they will award that money to themselves for excellence in being them. 00:51 Woodford. Hello, Alison. 00:53 Oh, hi, Nick. Alison. 00:56 Yeah, I'm just kind of getting over your last caller's update that Sue Gray was a... Sue Gray update, yeah. Her, her. Her, her, and she was a barmaid in Nourie, South Far Mar, across the Glen, you know. 01:14 Which is apparently true-ish. 01:16 I can't believe it. I mean, it's a brilliant story. 01:19 That's what I am told, that she used to run a pub. 01:24 Yeah, cool. 01:28 But that is true. When I was working in a pub... That's right, yes. I wonder if any was sold there, because she certainly wants to look into that. 01:38 And cross the border, maybe. 01:42 What I actually went about, and it's probably a bit boring now, but your point, and it's true, is that Young people don't vote. And I'm not young by any stretch of that definition. How not young are you? 02:04 I'm 32 years old. 32 years young. 02:07 Yeah, that's pretty young. Thank you. I tell you what, Alison, you will, in future, in like 10, 20 years' time, you'll look back at pictures of yourself now and think, blimey, how was I ever that young? 02:19 Yeah, I do look back at pictures of me when I was, like, sort of 10, and I think that. 02:23 Well, yeah, but you were 10. 02:27 I guess it projects. 02:28 Yes. 02:30 But when you were 10, you didn't think, God, I'm so old. Maybe now you do, but you ain't. Go on. 02:36 Yeah, I know, I know. Time, eh? But, yeah, the voting thing, young people, so I know, yeah, there is a problem, but When we get our little ballots in, it's still, it's so old-fashioned, right? It's like a piece of paper that comes from the post. 02:57 Yeah, with a pencil. 02:59 And it's like, well, what do I do with this? And then it's like, okay, so do I have to take the day off work? And it's normally like, where I have to vote, it's the local bowls club. 03:14 Right. 03:15 It's like a... Well, it's always somewhere like that. 03:17 It's either a school or a church. 03:19 And it's very charming and it's nice. But it's like, okay, so I walk in... And a lot of young people are just not going to be... They're like, what's that piece of paper? They're just throwing it in the bin. And so I'm just like, what? It seems to me like there's an actual... 03:41 I don't know, like, incentive by the government to disincentivise young people from voting. 03:47 Of course, and that's partly why I am sure that the Republican Party in America and their lead has been followed by the Conservative Party in this country, they are bringing in this spurious photo ID before you have to vote to fix a problem that does not exist, that of voting fraud. 04:08 There should be no reason why anyone has any difficulty in access of voting. 04:18 It's not like America where you have to drive 100 miles and then stand in the baking heat or the freezing cold for 12 hours before you get to vote. There's practically nowhere in the land where you're more than about half a mile from your voting booth. It's always near here. And so there is no excuse. It should be the law that everyone has to vote under penalty of being fined. 04:42 I do agree. It needs to be the law. It needs to be the law because... 04:48 But they also need to make it a bit more, like, modern. 04:52 No, why? It's not supposed to be fun. 04:56 Yeah, but kids these days, they don't walk up the road. They get McDonald's delivered to their house. That's true, yes. 05:08 That is true. I know it's awful, but it's true. 05:12 Yeah, well, I don't care. Kids, you're just going to have to suffer just slightly, just a little bit. 05:16 They won't, though. They won't. 05:18 Well, they do for some things. I mean, they'll go on marches and they'll glue themselves to the road and they'll fashion a pink... Yeah, for their Instagram account numbers. Well, that's fine. You can Instagram your face on the outside of your voting booth and then brag to the world that you've just, you know, done your bit. 05:40 Yeah, but, I mean, it needs to be the law. 05:43 It does. It does need to be the law, yeah. 05:45 Well, that's what I ran to say, Nick. Well, it sounds like you said it. 05:48 Excellent work there, Alison. Thanks. Appreciate it. 0345 6060973. 05:57 Waz texts, I've had four root canals on four separate teeth and they've all had to be extracted. I feel your pain, says Waz. 06:07 It's more of a discomfort, actually. 06:13 The pain is in the bill. 06:17 The actual teeth part, that's more of a discomfort. £1,500 to keep a tooth in my mouth. He's probably going to say, oh, no, that's got to come out. If it's still feeling uncomfortable, then we've just got to take it out. But that will, of course, be extra. 06:34 Extra! 06:35 What? 06:37 Russell tweets, if the Met eventually issue... Oh, no, I read that. 06:41 I am way ahead of schedule, doing very, very well. I wonder how many texts and emails that have come in tonight that I haven't read yet. Let me just check ahead. 06:48 OK, that's about two foot, three foot, four foot, five foot, six, seven. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. 06:57 How do these people get my number? That's what I don't understand. 07:02 Messaging and messaging. 07:04 Why can't they leave me alone? 07:09 And finally, I'll try and get through the text that I haven't read tonight at the very first part of the show tonight from 10 o'clock. 07:19 I'll go through it and I'll pick out the best. 07:23 So my apologies if I didn't get to it tonight. But finally, Christopher texts, I thought you would like to hear some good news. You bet your life I would. 07:35 He says, I left my bike at Lidl's by accident for three days. 07:40 I'd walked home forgetting that I bought it. 07:45 Not bought, brought. 07:47 I only realised today and I went to see if it was still there and I am now happily reunited. Well, I am stunned. There you are, you see? Some positivity to end the show. Can you believe that? 08:03 I'll be back tonight at 10. And I need to get to the bottom of this thing to see who's on next. One moment, please. It'll take a while. 14 pages. 14 pages of messages that I didn't get around to tonight. 08:20 Very, very poor performance. And I apologise. I will be more robust tonight. 08:29 Well, let's get back to it. Some of the texts and emails and such from last night before I get to subsumed in a tsunami of the ones from two night. 08:39 Dee tweeted, have you thought about asking the dentist to give your expensive tooth to give you your expensive tooth once he extracts it so that you can mount it on the bonnet of your car? 08:47 That'll look proper smashing. Trust me, says Dee. I do not trust you, Dee. 08:52 Plus, if I mounted my tooth, which has so far cost me £1,500 just to keep it in my mouth, it would be more expensive than the car I mount it on. 09:01 I think I'd rather mount my dentist on the car. 09:06 Don't tell him that. 09:08 You don't want to upset somebody who's coming at you with, you know, equipment. 09:12 Nathan texts, if you put that tooth under your pillow, the tooth fairy will give you £1,500 back again. Well, that's just probably a fact. 09:21 Susie says, what's your favourite curry, Indian or Chinese? 09:28 Michelle says, I'm disgusted with this government. And when you say disgusted, you have to, instead of using the S in disgusted, you have to say disgusted because it sounds more disgusting. Disgusting. Exactly. 09:42 I am disgusted with this government, says Michelle. 09:46 After all the scandals, they are now attacking the unemployed with a new take-any-job scheme. I'm so angry, says Michelle. 09:53 Calm down, dear. It might never ha... Oh, no, that's right. It already has. 09:58 Nigel tweets, I think Cressida Dick is incompetent but not corrupt, so I'm hoping there is more than just parties involved, and that's why it's being delayed. 10:05 Hey, Nigel. 10:09 Keep up. 10:11 Jerry emails, I thought I might photocopy a mask and send it to number 10, seeking a contract to provide cheap paper masks. No strings attached. 10:20 I have absolutely no business experience, no medical knowledge and no friends in government. What do you think are my chances? Jerry, a check for £100 million is in the post. 10:31 Solly emails, now that World War III is about to break out in Ukraine, you might take a break from Boris and address it, otherwise you could miss the whole thing. 10:39 LAUGHTER 10:41 I'll wait till the film comes out. 10:43 I can't be bothered with keeping up with current events. 10:46 When they release the film on video, I'll see it then. How does that sound? You know, assuming there's still a world in which to view it. 10:54 Hey, Boris Johnson's going over to give Vladimir Putin a piece of his mind. 11:01 Yeah, he's going to say thanks for all the money. 11:05 Joe text, Boris is the worst and most dreadful PM we have had in my lifetime. He is a compulsive liar all about himself and he needs to be ousted. He has got to go, says Joe. 11:14 Well, don't sit on the fence, Joe. Tell us what you think. 11:19 Absolutely the worst and most dreadful PM we have ever had in my lifetime too, Joe. I don't know how old you are. 11:27 But I can't think of a single solitary person who has even led a football team that's worse than the catastrophic clown show that we've got running this country at the moment. 11:41 Now, leave him alone. He's doing his best. You don't hear that much anymore, do you? 11:46 Those people have been silenced. Even they are getting the picture. 11:52 Vic says, for the love of all that's holy, please, please don't sing ever again. 11:57 What? 11:59 Very offensive. 12:03 Craig says, you mentioned the word unhinged. Have you seen the film with Russell Crowe called Unhinged? Also, have you watched any of the Black Mirrors episode? They are really clever storylines. No and no in that order. 12:13 John says, Boris Johnson is no longer funny, but he keeps pressing that button because it's all he has. 12:19 That's about right. 12:21 It's all he has. That and the risible excuses. 12:25 I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. Anything further? I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. 12:31 Would you like to say anything else? 12:32 I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. 12:34 OK, believable. 12:35 Rick says, great fun as always, but I disagree with you about The Sopranos being the best TV programme ever. Breaking Bad beats it hands down for me. Cheers, sir, says Rick, who is incorrect. 12:45 in every respect. The Sopranos is the best television programme ever. It's a factual fact. Absolutely. I mean, Breaking Bad is good, but it's not as good. 12:56 It just isn't. 12:59 Verifiably so, as a matter of fact. 13:02 Vic Tech's Going Woke is fascist-speak for the word empathy. 13:07 Yeah, I think that's about right. 13:10 You ask people what they mean by... go woke, go broke, or, you know, people just droning on and on and on about woke this and woke that. It's just being concerned for the feelings of others for crying out loud. Anything over and above that is not woke. 13:27 It's interfering in our business or an overreaction or, you know, everything that you don't like isn't necessarily woke. 13:37 If you cast the net too wide, then it loses its meaning. It doesn't mean anything anymore. 13:45 Well, I don't think it does actually mean anything. Never really did. It's just like a blanket term for things that people disagree with. 13:55 Patricia Tex, speaking of Grimsby, were we? 13:59 Grimsby? Grimsby came up yesterday? 14:02 She says, speaking of Grimsby, last weekend my 12-year-old daughter wanted to go to Grimsby to see the town. All she said was, this is the most depressing place I've ever seen. 12 years old. 14:17 Well, why do you think they call it Grimsby? 14:20 David tweets, there's a karaoke party at number 10. Johnson is singing the Clash classic, I Bought the Law. 14:27 Get it? 14:30 I Bought the Law and we all lost. 14:34 How many more of these? 14:36 Oh, about three feet. 14:40 You know it tweets. I think the woke brigade were originally the human rights lawyers and do-gooders. Now it's anyone who is considerate. Imagine openly saying that you oppose people who do good. 14:55 And the electorate still vote for them. What a country. Morons, you know. We're surrounded by morons. Do-gooders. 15:02 That's an insult now. 15:06 Oh, he's a do-gooder. 15:09 As opposed to what? A do-badder? 15:12 The whole world's gone insane. 15:17 Pete tweets, if you do Wordle on two devices, you can practice on one and cheat on the other. 15:23 Wow. Oh, that's just properly evil, Pete. 15:28 Would you like to be Prime Minister? 15:31 George texts, enough about Sue Gray's report on these petty matters. Let's have the Russian report, the Russia report. That's where the real fun starts. You'll never see it. Not now, not ever, never. 15:41 But Russia did come up quite a lot today in the snooze. And I'd like to talk about that. London grad and rootin' tootin' shootin' Putin. And the reason why we're not going to stand up to Vlad the Insaner is because we are the country that washes all his money clean. That's what we do for a living. 16:01 launder the ill-gotten gains of the international criminal super-rich. 16:07 We don't make anything anymore. 16:10 We just make bad money into good money. By magic. 16:15 Nicky texts, why is nobody talking about Saj's... What? Super Saj? Super Saj Manjav. 16:21 Super Saj's brother being a high-ranking officer at the Met. Maybe that's why they didn't want him to investigate the parties. Parties? What parties? Parties. 16:31 Was there cake? Um... Jake texts, if Bodger Johnson is so bad, why are Labour not 20 points ahead in the polls? Yeah. Well, let's think about that for a while, shall we? 16:45 How come there's people that still support this government? How come there are people that would still, if there was an election tomorrow, go out in Storm Malik and vote for Boris Johnson? They can't wait to put a cross next to his name again. I mean, I know you don't technically put a cross against his name, but that's essentially what people are doing. Nobody has any idea who their local MP is. Don't say they do, because they don't. 17:10 Excuse me, I'd like to point out that I know who my local MP is, Last week I got the wrong Richmond, and this week I've given you information that is not factual about people knowing their local MP. 17:29 I need to be cancelled. 17:33 Nicky texts, my recurring nightmare used to be that all my teeth fall out during the night. 17:40 All of my teeth fall out during the night. 17:43 See, now you're thinking about that, aren't you? 17:46 I mean, what if they did? It could happen. All of your teeth could fall out during the night. 17:53 There's nothing keeping them in. Not really. 17:55 It's just willpower. 17:57 If you fall asleep, well, if you fall too deeply into sleep and you stop concentrating for long enough, all of your teeth could actually fall out. 18:07 It's true. 18:10 Anyway, Nicky says, my recurring nightmare used to be that all my teeth fell out during the night. Now it's Bojo getting off scot-free and skipping along Downing Street in them skanky shorts. Disgusting. Oh, God. 18:23 Doesn't Boris Johnson look like the sort of person who would wash his underwear once a month whether it needed it or not? 18:29 Hmm? 18:31 Yeah, that's right. 18:34 How many more of these from last night? 18:36 Oh, well, I can see the end from here. 18:41 Sue emails, who knew that Liz Truss had such a great sense of humour? She said her trip to Australia was value for money. 18:50 She's a very funny person. 18:52 The Brains Truss. 18:55 Gwenny texts, living in Britain now, it's like being on the set of a Harry Potter movie with all the Dementors flying around in their black cloaks, sucking the souls from people. And then spitting them out again. 19:09 Bill says, Nick, when he was mayor, we thought he was a lovable rogue. Now he's PM, we just think he's a rogue. Yeah, that's about right. 19:18 Mickey tweets, stop banging on about Brexit. Give it a rest, mate. 19:23 No, Mickey. 19:25 I certainly will do nothing of the sort. 19:28 We're going to be banging on about Brexit from now until the rest of our lives. Stupid, stupid, stupid decision. Moronic, in fact. 19:36 And the reason that the Brexiters are so angry, despite in their minds having won something, is that they can't actually quantify what it is that they've won. You ask them and they'll... I probably said this last night. It's probably why that bloke was furiously bashing his ire into his keyboard. 19:57 Give it a rest, mate. 20:03 You lost. Get over it. Right, so if I lost, what did you win? What did you win, Mickey? Hey, Mickey, you're so fine. You're so fine. You're my man, Mickey. 20:11 What did you win? 20:13 I'll tell you what he'll say. He's thinking, um, um, um, uh, sovereignty. 20:19 Uh, democracy. 20:22 Yeah, good one, Mickey. £350 million every week for the NHS. 20:27 Can't wait. 20:29 Dave says, why are you so anti-Boris? Are you on someone's payroll? Yeah, LBCs. I ain't doing this for nothing, you know. Although I would. But don't tell them that. 20:43 He says, can you seriously think that Labour are better? Yes. 20:47 Anyone would be better at this point. Larry the Cat would be better qualified to run this country than Bodge. 20:53 He says, you haven't even mentioned that we probably have all broken rules, including you! Yes, Dave, but the important thing to think of when this occurs to you is that I'm not running the country. 21:08 And, by the way, I did not have a party. I did not have cake. I did not have a birthday party. I did not go mental when I shouldn't have ordered. 21:19 So, no... 21:22 How many more are these? Oh, two more. Three, including this one. Sam emails, I demand you talk about the German Masters snooker, which is on Eurosport. The layout was unusual. I really couldn't understand it. Yeah, well, you can demand all you like, Sam. Demanding isn't getting. 21:37 How is the layout of snooker unusual? It's just, you know, the white ball goes there and the red ball goes there and the pink and yellow and green and blue. Oh. 21:49 Here, there and everywhere, baby. Plus, it's not a sport. It's a pastime. They should show it on Europastime. 21:59 Paul texts, I'm a supermarket delivery driver in London. Every time I drive past Downing Street, I wind my window down and vent my spleen at Bodger. One of the policemen waved at me the other day. He wasn't waving. He was just taking aim. 22:13 He says, it makes me feel better for ten seconds. Then I remember what a car crash of a country he's given us. And finally... 22:20 Sue texts, I sent my doctor an email about a rash on my neck. By the time he got back to me a week later, the rash had gone. He asked for a photo, so I sent one of my neck without the rash and he prescribed some cream. 22:32 I didn't like to say that the rash had gone in case it came back and I had to wait another week. Good thinking there, Sue. 22:39 You got to have a strategy if you want to engage with the NHS. 22:44 And remember, darling, I don't work before 10 in the morning and never after 4.30 in the afternoon. 22:48 Those are my strict rules. Chelsea, hello, Mark. Oh, hello. 22:53 Oh, hello. 22:55 As you know... Hello. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Yes. I haven't mentioned it before. What? I wingled my way into these places known as gentlemen's clubs, not the ones where ladies dance. 23:07 Wingled? 23:07 But places... Well, yeah, I sort of sneak in, they'll have a gate crash. Don't you mean, don't you mean, wangled? 23:16 Because they're registered charities and the beer is cheap. That's the attraction to me. 23:19 Yeah, I doubt, I doubt that the beer is cheap. I've been to, I haven't been to, I'm... 23:29 Yes, it's very dumb. The film's cheap. Yes, it's subsidised. 23:34 How much? 23:35 How much? It's just much cheaper than the rubbed up. It really is. And, you know, they're all kowtow. Anyway, anyway, look. 23:42 Which club are you talking about? 23:44 OK, now, I don't want to kill the golden goose what lays the, you know, beer, but one of them has a tie where the colours are of a cucumber and peach, and the other one has whiggish tendencies and white all place. 23:58 Right. 24:00 Anyway. 24:01 But the public doesn't subsidise the beer. 24:03 Yes, they're registered charities, but that's another conversation which is another scandal for another day. 24:08 You mean those gentlemen's clubs in Pall Mall are registered charities? 24:13 Yes, that's why it is. Actually, the bill is cheaper than if you go to some restaurants. Yes. Oh, for crying out loud. 24:18 These people, they go to private schools, which are registered charities, and then they go straight from there to the Houses of Parliament, where their food and drink is subsidised, and then they go from there to their gentlemen's clubs, where that's a registered charity as well. Talk about being on welfare. 24:37 I know. Exactly. But what I overheard was um his excellency the prime minister is very happy well ideally he'd want something else but he prefers the focus to be on table wine a supermarket co-op table wine than i quote chassan montrachet premier crew that was served with ossetra and beluga followed by chateau petrus grand crew 2004 for the main course i mean where where was that well i then what meal are you describing Well, the money that's consumed in catering, not in the garden, but like the Playboy Club of the 1970s, the higher up you go, the more VIP the level gets. 25:28 So he said, I heard that he was rather, people were thinking about wheeling trolley suitcases full of table wine or chili and merlot than the stuff that costs more than some people would get in a couple of months if they could get a job yes but i then heard about this vip lane that was ruled unlawful to give contracts to and a company got 63 million quid in three weeks run by three men Well, yeah, no doubt. 26:01 And the names are published in private eye. 26:05 I mean, you may not want me to mention the name of the couple. 26:08 Yes, I may not. 26:12 So he's happy. The point I'm making is that his excellency is happy that. you and everybody else on the radio discusses did he eat cake or didn't he eat cake because he doesn't want the thousands of millions and the wines that cost thousands discussed. 26:30 I mean, that was one of the only surprising things about that, that they willed a suitcase up to the co-op to get some wine rather than over to Bury, or rather get Bury Brothers and Rudd to deliver. 26:41 Well, I mean, at what point... you know, is anything going to change? Hopefully some transparency can come out of this, because we've seen the Metropolitan Police now. You're funny. There's got to be some transparency at some stage. 26:59 When you say got to, what do you mean by that? You mean if we were living in a normal country, run by normal people? 27:07 A fractured system that needs... Anyway, I'm lost for words, I really am. 27:10 Apparently not. 27:11 Unless you want me to go on about the cost of living. No thanks. 27:14 Because since the strawberries, there was a takeaway that I'm flabbergasted. Look, scallop ho-fun noodles and sweet and sour king prawns delivered from very close by. 27:28 How much? How much? 27:30 From very close by in Chelsea. Yes. You're talking two main courses. 27:35 That's it. That's all it was. One's scallops and one's prawns. Yeah, yeah. So Ho-Fan, the thick noodles. So Ho-Fan noodles with scallops. 27:44 How much fun were they, approximately, out of ten? It was for her indoors, so none. 27:50 None? Zero? Wow. Yeah, her indoors while she's watching flog it. She wanted it. 27:55 I think the price for the two, including delivery, £55. 27:58 No, it really was just under £29. Like I said... 28:06 Yeah, but I thought that was a bit, you know... A little bit over the top, yeah, OK. All right, I'll see you down the chippy. Thanks a lot, Mark. 28:15 Very, very high-class type of caller we get on this show, as opposed to the people who text. 28:24 Speaking of which, Martin texts, what's happened to the £350 million a week for the NHS? I reckon that would be about £18 billion a year, £6 billion more than the national insurance rise, just asking for a friend, says Martin. 28:37 Kenny says, as someone who regularly turns down homework, you must have sympathy for Mrs Grey, who carried out her homework meticulously, only for a woman in a white blouse with dark epaulettes to run off with it. 28:49 Yeah, she needs to seriously get something done about her epaulettes. 28:55 Does Dame Cressida. 28:57 She has malfunctioning epaulettes. It's like they're trying to stage an escape. 29:06 If they weren't sewn on, they'd probably be in France by now. 29:12 Adam says... Yeah, he's not going to Russia in order to, you know, try to prevent World War III. There's only two possible reasons why he's going to Russia. First, ask Vladimir Putin for more money. 29:30 Please, sir, can we have some more? 29:33 And to bravely run away again. 29:37 He seems to be like a serial... A serial... Not cheat. Well, he is. 29:44 That's true. 29:47 Just ask anybody he's ever been out with. 29:50 But he seems to be a serial... Not criminal either. Like a serial... What's the word I'm looking for? Yes? Yes? No. No? Time up. 30:02 He seems to be serially running away. I can't think. There's a lovely word, an absolutely precious bon mot that is escaping my weak mind at the moment. But I'm under a lot of pressure. 30:17 You wouldn't believe it. 30:19 All these people texting me all the time. People ringing me. The phone's going off the hook. How do these people get my number? 30:27 Hello. Number two is trying to connect you. Sorry to keep you waiting. 30:32 Yes, I've been keeping Stephen in Basingstoke waiting. Yes, Stephen. 30:36 Hello, Nick. 30:36 Stephen. 30:38 I'm just calling because I'm just a bit worried about your tooth. 30:44 I had mine done 20 years ago and it cost me about £1,500. 30:49 Blimey. 20 years ago? You could have bought a house 20 years ago. 30:53 So I don't want you to fret about it. 30:55 Now, when you say you had it done, what do you mean? 30:57 Well, I had it knocked out when I was playing rugby, my front tooth, and I had an implant put in, and then I had a crown on top of that. And I had to have the crown replaced, I must admit, but it's the best £1,500 I've ever spent. I wonder what tooth you're having done. 31:21 Well, it's not the one at the front. It's the one at the back. 31:24 Is it? 31:24 Yeah. 31:25 Well, um... And they've done it already. 31:27 It's just that the thing that they've done already doesn't seem to have worked. 31:31 Oh, well, I don't know what to say about that, then. But all I can say is that I had mine done 20 years ago, and I don't want you to fret about it, because I know... Well, you sound like an expert, Stephen. ...the last few shows, and you seem to be a bit worried about it. 31:46 A little bit worried, yes. 31:48 Yeah. 31:49 Nothing to be alarmed about. I just might die, that's all. 31:52 Yeah, but I just want to say we've got good dentists here. I know that it's all sort of falling apart, but if you stick with them, I'm sure they'll do it all right. 32:04 Yeah, if I stick with them, then he'll remove all of my remaining money. 32:07 Yeah. 32:09 Thanks a lot, Stephen. That made me feel no better at all. 32:14 Julian texts, that word you were looking for is absconder. No. Rachel texts, escapologist. No. Howard texts, absentee. No. 32:22 Dee texts, philanderer. No. Rose texts, fugitive. No. And Matthew texts, hider. Well, all of those are good descriptions of his imperial bodgeness, but those aren't the words I was looking for. 32:36 Good effort, though. Cath texts, I think crethedidic is incompetent and corrupt, says Cath. 32:44 Well, that's just... She's multi-talented, then. 32:49 Oh, my God. Have you seen this? The Metropolitan Police has refused to release... I mean, at this point, you have to think that they just absolutely flat out do not care what we think anymore. They're not remotely interested. In fact, they wake up in the morning and think, what can we do with them today? 33:06 How can we make their blood boil today? Because there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. 33:13 And they're right. There's absolutely nothing we can do about it. What are we going to do? Call the police? This is the Open Democracy website reporting this. One of the few institutions that's actually holding this government to account... 33:39 and will probably be branded illegal by Priti Patel this time next week. 33:46 A cash-for-peerages investigation by Open Democracy and the Sunday Times in November revealed a pattern of high-value Tory donors securing seats in the House of Lords. Puh! 33:59 Opposition MPs urged Met Commissioner Cressida Dick to investigate, but the force refused, saying there was insufficient information. 34:06 Oh-ho-ho! 34:08 Insufficient information. That's what you do an investigation for. To gather information. 34:17 Now the Met is also refusing to release any information about how it came to the conclusion that there is no information. 34:28 Isn't that a total surprise? No. 34:31 I am stunned. 34:34 Yep, there is insufficient information to launch an investigation, and we can't tell you how we came to the conclusion that there is insufficient information. 34:45 Responding to a Freedom of Information request from Open Democracy, the force claimed that transparency about its failure to look into the scandal could cause it operational harm. 34:57 It said such a disclosure would not be in the public interest... 35:03 It would be harmful to our policing functions. 35:07 Policing functions. What are they? 35:11 Apart from drawing an impenetrable veil over the activities of the bodger. 35:18 Harmful to our policing functions. 35:22 What, the doling out of a crime number in lieu of actually catching the criminals who've nicked your car? Those policing functions... 35:30 What are the functions of the police these days? It seems to be Bodger Johnson's personal security force. Like a sort of heavily armed clean-up team. 35:40 Char ladies with attitude. 35:45 After weeks of refusing to investigate Partygate, the force announced on Wednesday that it would launch an inquiry after all. Huh. 35:54 This was just as Sue Gray's report on the alleged parties was due to be published and now can't be published, so they say, because there's a police inquiry. 36:06 Coincidence? I can't comment on that. 36:11 It doesn't matter that every legal expert on earth has said that there is no reason for Sue Gray's report to be quashed, as no police inquiry is going to lead to a court case with a jury. 36:21 So it's a confusing decision, unless you think that the police is acting in the interests of the political party that made the police commissioner a dame and gave her a two-year extension to her contract. 36:34 And if you do think that, you'd better keep it to yourself, or the police might find the time to get very interested in you. 36:43 Then, this morning, the force said it had asked the Cabinet Office to remove any details about potentially illegal events from Gray's report, saying anything more than minimal reference would prejudice its inquiries. 36:56 That was yesterday morning. 37:00 Experts have questioned whether there is any legal basis for this. 37:04 One MP, Liberal Democrat Alastair Carmichael, warned that it would be profoundly damaging if there was any hint of an establishment stitch-up. 37:13 A hint of an establishment stitch-up. Oh, there's a hint, all right. Just like Elton John has a hint of flamboyancy about him. 37:25 There's a hint like horse manure has a hint of a stink about it. 37:32 Labour leader Keir Starmer has accused Boris Johnson of using the police as a shield to protect his position. 37:39 Sikkim, Keir. 37:41 And on top of all this, the force is also facing legal action for its failure to launch an inquiry into the peerages scandal. I mean, seriously, they just do not care how any of this looks, do they? Not remotely interested. 37:53 They know we can't do anything about it. 37:55 And it's 51 weeks in jail for you, sunshine, if you ask any questions. 38:01 So this investigation by Open Democracy and the Sunday Times found that Conservative Party Treasurers who donate at least £3 million are overwhelmingly likely to be given a seat in the House of Lords. 38:13 In the past seven years, all, except for the most recently retired Party Treasurer, has been offered a peerage after donating this amount. This magic £3 million... 38:25 One former party chairman admitted once you pay your £3 million, you get your peerage. I mean, you'd think that that would be enough. I mean, they've actually admitted it, and still the police say that they can't see any evidence. 38:38 Presumably they can't see the evidence because there is a mountain of evidence in the way. 38:46 And you want to know what the odds are of donating £3 million and getting a seat in the House of Lords? 38:54 Analysis suggests the odds of so many Conservative donors in the UK population all being given a seat in the House of Lords is equivalent to entering the National Lottery 12 times in a row and winning the jackpot every time. What? Nothing to see here. 39:13 Please move along. 39:16 What a way to run a country, eh? Dreadful. And that's it. If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episodes will get squirted up your life as though by magic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And Tuesdays and Thursdays are also the days that the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin comes out. It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol, in which the delightful Carol McGiffin and I try to solve people's problems while laughing like seals. If you have a problem, conundrum, issue, something like that, then simply send it to the following address. 39:48 NickandCarol at global.com. N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com. And prepare to be totally satisfied. Ask for it by name on the internet near you. What's your problem? With Nick and Carol. And now there is Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus, which is our new offering. It's exclusive to Global Player and the new LBC app, both of which are free from your app store. Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus is the Friday and Saturday shows as podcasts advert free. 40:20 Plus, a new show exclusive to the offering comes out on a Monday in which I deal with all of the news stories I couldn't get to on my Friday and Saturday shows and all the messages that I didn't get around to reading as well. 40:35 Plus, there's a newsletter that comes into your inbox directly on Fridays, deals with the week's news and launches us into the weekend shows. It's called Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus on Global Player and the new LBC app. I think you'll love it. And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye bye. 41:02 This has been a global production.